Day 7: That’s a whole week don’t you know...

Tuesday 6 October 2009

I am nonplussed by the effects of this non-drinking lark. Perhaps it ties in with this week’s decision to properly detox (I am drinking phials – rhymes with vile – of translucent green detox mucous courtesy of Boots) and the whole experience is overwhelming me. Sort of like getting someone round to fix your boiler and then deciding to get the ceiling repainted, your floors replaced and your bikini line waxed all at the same time. I need a lie down. Oh – hang on, I’m already lying down.

I’m convinced I should be bursting with energy by now and glowing with good health. Instead, I have a spotty chin (all the alcohol molecules are wishing to depart my body facially) and am fiercely windy. Also, my knees hurt. Is this a symptom of alcohol withdrawal? Do they normally hurt a moderate amount and I am just too tipsy to notice? Or is it my age and, as November draws close, am I turning into one of those people who can feel the cold in my bones? I’m also very, very tired. But as The American (who inspirationally did a month off the sauce herself recently) tells me: “It allowed me to sleep better - proper, deep REM sleep - but only after about a week and a half of 'adjusting’, But in the end I actually felt a lot less tired.” So perhaps I am not giving it long enough. It’s not fair though: I demand instant results.

On a more positive note, my improved tea-making abilities have turned my usual cups of Yorkshire Gold into works of art. After several weeks of grey, translucent cups of dullness, which frequently carry unmistakable undertones of either fish or cabbage, tonight I have produced several cupfuls of such robust, orange opacity, that my heart has brimmed over with joy. See: no booze = better tea.

My sleuth-like skills have similarly improved. I have traced the rattling noise that has been plaguing me for a week to the top of the fridge. During my inspection of the Crap Booze ™ it would appear that I placed the dangerous tequila dreg and the Bombay Sapphire too close to each other and they have been intimately vibrating their bodies together ever since. I have now put a stop to that little carry on. Sober tranquility reigns once more. See: no booze also makes you cleverer!

Units dodged: None. I have been too entranced by my tea to wish for any other beverage tonight. 

The Unit Dodger