Tuesday 20 October
I have three days off work to go and visit my lactating friend, BigMouth, in Sutton Coldfield. BigMouth had a baby in May and I work off the principle that anyone who’s been teetotal for nine months, is unlikely to want to drink twelve vodka Red Bulls at the drop of a hat and go to a nightclub. She seemed like a good person to go and visit under my present circumstances. Seemed. She was ill. Bah. Virgin promptly declared they couldn’t refund half or my journey and were going to charge me £10 for the dreadful inconvenience of my canceling the other half. I hate Virgin.
Which left me alone and ponderous and slightly unsure of how to proceed. Hurrah for Facebook. Up popped Dave and proposed lunch. Dave works in the city, which is exciting because I do not. I always imagine it is where the proper grown-ups work. We met on Finsbury Square where Dave works and I goggled at the big buildings while he said helpful things like “Look at that column!” (I like columns). We had lunch at a pub that did not serve Becks Blue and I commented on how nice Dave’s tweed coat looked combined with a shirt and tie rather than with a sweat soaked T-shirt and shorts (his outfit on Sunday). We had pasta and a chat and then Dave me manly directions on how to get to Books Etc so I could buy the book I needed for Wednesday’s book club.
After book shopping, I met Chap-A in Lewisham. Chap-A has her own local amenities in Tooting, but her TK Maxx does not include a homeware department and she needed a lampshade. I located her in the homeware department but she was not looking at lampshades. Oh no. She was holding a picture of a cup of coffee, a metal-plated picture of Betty Boo and a photo-frame that looked as if it had recently been wrenched from the jaws of a Great White Shark. “Are you alright?” I asked. She did look a bit flushed. “Do they have any less mangled versions of that photo frame? What are you doing?” The problem with TX Maxx is that it sells all sorts of dreadful shite, but it’s all so terribly cheap that you can convince yourself you really are getting a great deal on a china dog ornament or a set of turquoise velveteen coat-hangers… or a shark-gnawed photo frame.
Chap-A agreed to relinquish the objects she was holding and come to Muffin Break with me instead. I was excited about this. I like taking newcomers to Muffin Break. I hoped Debbie would be serving and – oh yes! Yes she was!
I started off on a predictably existentialist foot with Debbie:
Me: Have you got any vegetarian quiche
Debbie: Yes. Do you know why you can’t see it?
Me: No. Why?
Debbie: because it isn’t there. See? It’s over here. I haven’t had time to move it there yet, which is why you couldn’t see it.
I silently begged that she would tell Chap-A that all the food was made on the premises as I went to sit down. Chap A returned trembling with laughter and reported the following exchange:
Debbie: [leaning forward and lowering voice] You know, we make everything on the premises?
Chap-A: Everything?
Debbie: Everything. Is this your first time?
Chap-A: [also whispering by this stage although not sure why] yes.
Debbie: [in low-pitched growl] You’ll be back
Oh Debbie. Anyway, Chap-A was duly thrilled by her muffin… and also by the smiley face painted on the bottom of her coffee cup. She will indeed be back.
Units dodged: Well, none at all today I think. I would not have drank had I gone to see the lactating BigMouth in any case. And a pasta lunch and a Muffin Break do not require alcohol either.
Non-alcoholic beer of the day: Becks Blue. The old favourite. I’m glad my selection pack contains this as I felt a bit seen of when I couldn't have have one at lunch. I stuck the bottle in the freezer for 15 minutes and relished the farty whiff as I popped the bottle top. Burnt toast and bitterness. Delicious.
No comments:
Post a Comment