30 days of unbridled clarity: lagers that I will not miss this month...

1. Kronenbourg
Floozie is a top lightweight and a die-hard Diet Coke fan to boot (a difficult one: she has no qualms about sending you back to the bar for lemon slices, ice cubes and straws). Last night, a mix-up in The Lamb & Flag meant that she nobly volunteered to drink the random half a lager mistakenly ordered instead of her Diet Coke. The conversation on her return, went something like this:

Floozie (with scrunched up face of putrification and horror): Is lager meant to taste like this? I don’t remember it tasting like this.
Me (having a sip): Tastes the same as what I’ve got.
Floozie: But it’s disgusting! I’m not having any more of this.
Me: Mmm… tastes like someone’s accidentally spilled a pint of normal lager on a really dirty pub carpet, picked the carpet up and rung it out back into the empty glass – it’s probably Kronenbourg
Floozie: Well then why are you drinking it?
Me: Erm... Lesser of three evils. The only other things I could see were Stella (come on – it’s a Monday evening!) and Fosters (see below).

Dirty Kronenbourg. It has such a filthy tang. And there are few things I like less than tangy lager. In fact the only thing I do like less than tangy lager is hot, tangy lager.

2. Fosters
Sometimes I have a bath instead of a shower. Sometimes I wash my hair in the bath and the shampoo makes the water go all scummy and a bit foamy. I collect this up and sell it to pubs. Pubs then sell it on as Fosters. Don’t drink Fosters unless you want to drink my bathwater. Even I don’t do that.

Bye-bye Fosters and Kronenbourg. Don't expect a postcard!

The Unit Dodger